The observance of Columbus Day is often marked by the taking for granted of the revolutionary New World-conquering device known as GPS. I’m certain Christopher Columbus himself remarked during his voyage to the edge of the plain of existence how the invention of such a profound navigational apparatus would have made his life as a mariner a lot less complicated.

But where would we be today without the man who discovered a land that millions of people already knew about before him? The GPS device may never have been envisioned weren’t it not for the stubbornness of Columbus to ask for directions. The concepts for carpooling, tailgating, and “Gilligan’s Island” would also not have come to pass weren’t it not for the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. The year 1492 would simply be marked as the starting point for the 500-year long countdown to “Beverly Hills, 90210.”

Most importantly, we would not have placed so much focus and attention to political correctness weren’t it not for Columbus’s insensitive, ignorant “Indian” reference to the native peoples he thought were there to peddle spices to him. Columbus paved the way for crossing the Atlantic Ocean, which centuries later would be repeated time and time again by other vessels, such as the famed rms Titanic.

Simply put, Columbus wasn’t just commuting to work, and it certainly was no cruise vacation for him and his crew. Columbus set off expecting to fall off the edge of the Earth much like how Thelma and Louise did. But instead, Columbus achieved the most efficient MPG-rating for traveling by using a renewable natural resource to fuel his ambitions: the wind. And he did it all without MapQuest.

Columbus Day Security Force

The Supreme Court of California issued its ruling today upholding the passage of Proposition 8, ultimately allowing a misguided segment of the population, still reeling from the centuries-old Spanish Inquisition, to define marriage for others. Most importantly, this profound victory for good, wholesome family values set the stage appropriately for the new season of “Jon and Kate Plus 8.” The symbolism of Proposition 8 is now an added bonus in their show title’s usage of the same numeral.

The esteemed court of supreme court justices  discards flatly the notion that the measure passed last Fall by 52% affected an “inalienable right.” Rightly so, loving another person unconditionally as to warrant the sanctity of marriage can only be reserved for those enlightened with the same perspicacity in the morally-wedded matrimony exemplified by Jon and Kate. Never you mind those tabloids! Those “inalienable rights,” as they say, clearly pertain to only a man and a woman, who are able to exploit their “love” for all 8 of their attention-starved children and the plentiful product-placement freebies they acquire while basking in the healthy, glowing exposure of reality-television cameras.

Energized by today’s outcome, it is imperative we all strive to take some wisdom and insight from the saga that is, Jon and Kate Plus Proposition 8. For what triumphs today in the Golden State is the indelible institution of what we all have come to know and watch on cable programming as “family.” As epitomized by an unemployed husband/father and a self-absorbed wife/mother living off the fringe benefits profitted within the fleeting 15 minutes of fame from having an excess of offspring, there can be no greater victory than the reaffirmed “state constitutional right to establish an officially recognized and protected family relationship and the guarantee of equal protection under the laws.”

Where marriage can be allowed and defined as such in a dysfunctional household, so long as these miedeval values are imposed by a man and a woman coherent enough to utter the words, “I do,” there can be no wrong. Love, in its very basic form, now yields to “well-established legal principles” that dictate whom can and cannot legally marry. Fortunately when I come home tonight, love remains the true foundation of my marriage, and my family — not some Proposition. Tune in next time for, John and Kate and the Separation of Church and State!

The federal government officially released today the results of the bank-stress test, along with the lesser-publicized kitty spank-stress test. While both studies are a key measure of how financial firms and finicky felines alike will fare in today’s rough environment, those that were subjects of these findings pounced quickly to downplay the results.

The vast majority of cats denounced the notion of these spank-stress tests, saying they would much prefer to be gently petted or have their fur combed thoroughly as opposed to having their stress levels put to the test with spankings. Human owners however disagreed with the claims made by cantankerous kitties, suggesting that spanking feisty felines provide a much-needed therapeutic outlet when having to deal with the results of the bank-stress test.

As the interview photo below shows, house cats Jinx and Latte were not amused. They were down-right apathetic.

Apathetic Cats

Ah, the joys of air travel in the year 2009. Endless security lines and persistent airport delays bring out only the very best among patient passengers and friendly flight attendants and airport staff alike. We’ve abandoned the glamour of the early jet age, when people dressed up to fly and toasted to the clouds, and evolved into the elegant state of current affairs that will have us all dispose of our toiletries, be padded down in plain view of others, and clamor around the gate area for the cattle call to be corralled on board. Moo!

As it turns out, one family consisting of 9 devout Muslims, became unwitting participants in the delightful game of Air Taboo. The Muslim passengers said their innocuous banter was misconstrued by other passengers on board, which resulted in them being unfairly subjected to an egregious violation of civil liberties based merely on wild imaginations of teenagers eavesdropping on them. The game of Taboo starts as soon as you board the aircraft apparently without the option to opt out. Welcome aboard Air Big Brother!

A member of the family states in an interview, “The conversation we were having was the conversation anyone would have… [we] did not use the word ‘bomb,’ [we] did not use the word ‘explosion.’ [We] said it would not be safe to sit next to the engines in the event of an accident.” Ah, but what this family failed to clarify during their public safety announcement was they they would not have this concern in the event of a water landing, for if Christina Applegate in “View From the Top” has taught us anything, “planes don’t land in water — they crash!” As such, engines may not be used as a floation device.

It’s far too easy to forget the rules of Taboo when flying the friendly skies as we strive to omit certain incendiary terms from our daily rabble-rousing vernacular. While we may retain the liberty of accosting the flight attendants, belittling those unfortunate enough to be confined to the dreaded middle seat, and imposing a complete disregard of public safety by unfastening safety belts and using unapproved electronic devices during flight, we lose the fundamental freedom of speech if it breaches any sense of sublime security of those around us regardless of how harmless the intent. All courtesy and consideration it seems is disposed of when confined to constricted economy seats.

Let the witch hunt begin!

The best seat on the plane

As the planet Earth prances along upon its cosmic ballet and completes yet another Nascar lap on its seemingly unending orbit around the Sun Raceway 500, we humanoids welcome another over-priced desktop calendar to our cubicle inscribed with the digits “2009.” This latest development, in addition to growing anticipation of a new “2008” episode to VH1’s highly-acclaimed “I Love the New Millennium” series that takes a look back at popular culture’s highlights and lowlights and everything Britney Spears.

Aside from that, 2009 ushers in a whole new year of randomness and wisdom to titillate the senses and expand my view of the world that does not harbor any desire to conform to any sort of logical reasoning. A study in conformity to blogular cogitation suggests I look to the horizon for depth and meaning (via Google). Ever the Wellesley girl, I’m immediately reminded however that the horizon itself is merely an imaginary line that recedes as you approach it. How then can I possibly ever arrive to any meaningful conclusion this coming year?!

Well, I do declare! I may never wield the best answer to life’s proverbial game that is “Apples to Apples,” where the cards suggest the only consequential correlation to “Touchy-Feely” is “Hellen Keller.” But I strive to debunct any study in conformity throughout the year 2009 by explicitly engaging and exploiting any rampant rumination deemed nonsensical and random to the avocado. 2009 is the year of the avocado, because I despise guacamole but enjoy stealing them from the lesser-known Tree of Whimsy from the Garden of Eden when no one is looking.

Avocados on the Tree of Whimsy

What better way to elicit emerald excitement and zirconium zeal than by transforming lackluster jewelry shopping into a bargain game on television? GemsTV is the ultimate in Machiavellian mass marketing of the most eclectic jewelry merchandise that exploits the engaging elements of play from such games as the Limbo and “Deal or No Deal” along with the boiling suspense the “Antique Roadshow” percolates on PBS.

A flashy screen edited by sophisticated PowerPoint technology draws the impulsive viewer in with the delightfully adolescent message, “Let’s Play the Game!,” which is the cue to gather around and gaze at their latest offering of the ostentatious. From the latest line of “Crimes in Fashion” comes tawdry ceramic watches to the gaudiest of precious gems, you are proceeded then to a bombardment of sales tactics reminiscent of the Used Car dealership. And in the end, “Everyone Pays the Lowest Price!”

Credit is given to the hosts for knowledge in Geography as they attempt to reach the audience of Golden Girls by spouting out random states along with the names of callers in contention that are one stroke away from pressing “1” on their telephone and sealing the deal on their impulse buy. “California, Texas, New York…” pleads the host.

“California?! That’s me! She has to be talking to me!”

The host personalizes her taunts: “Billy Bob, Bonnie Ray, Dia-Betty, Buckwheat, Bimbo, Big n’ Tasty, you gotta press 1!…”

“OMG Becky and Britney are on the line for that bewitching broach, gotta act fast! Which is 1 again?!”

I think I’ll let the rest vie for the kitschy bling and stick to playing a game with the most precious gemstones of all: “Bejeweled.”

Precious Gemstones of Bejeweled

I received a notice via e-mail advertising an IKEA sale event, and noticed their offer for a free breakfast, though certain restrictions apply:

“FREE BREAKFAST until 10:30am

Valid Saturday, October 11 – Monday, October 13, 2008.

Limit one per customer. Offer valid for one small breakfast (value 99 cents) and one cup of coffee (value 99 cents). Offer not valid at IKEA Hicksville, IKEA Houston, IKEA Seattle and IKEA Direct.”

Darn, I was so looking forward to my free breakfast to arrive in a package in 5-7 business days. Oh, well. At least Hicksville, Houston, and Seattle can share in my disappointment.

Eggs Uneasy

I received my U.S. passport in the mail, thus officially making me a U.S. citizen. I can now join the ACME Agency and travel the world with my U.S. passport in hand, to ultimately answer the burning question: “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?!”

Carmen Sandiego

Unfortunately I am not finding very much interest in the conversation that my barber is trying to strike up with me during my haircut. I’m really just there to get a haircut, not find out about latest community stage production of “Hairspray” or the recent development in scissor-sharpening technologies. Naturally I start to zone out from the insipid monologue of my barber and her buzzing razor in hand and look to my imagination once again to find some sort of amusement in an otherwise dull salon situation.

My barber’s droopy eyes, long-flowing brunette hair, and animated gesticulations transform her into the character that is Edward Scissorhands! I find myself having a more interesting conversation as I see her fingers transform into the scissor-hands, and start asking her questions as if she was actually Edward Scissorhands. “How did you learn to clip those garden hedges into amazing animal sculptures?!” “How do you make it through the metal-detector when you go through airport security?!” “Is it hard to find a good pedicure?”

My barber stops speaking to me entirely.

Edward Scissorhands about to do a do

Through the looking glass, the Disney princesses (and non-royal Alice in Wonderland) show a less classier side to themselves in this out-take. Methinks they had too much to drink at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Prince Charming is not amused.

Disney Princesses Outtake